


Where were you last night?

by Thaum



Series: Dark Passion Play [7]
Category: Nightwish
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Homophobia, Jealousy, Kissing, Love, M/M, Relationship Problems, Romantic Friendship, Sexuality, Some Humor, Tour Bus, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-05-19 16:58:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19360978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thaum/pseuds/Thaum
Summary: Dark Passion Play - the world tour. Fantastic concerts, good company, sight seeing and a lot of fun. But it's not always easy to live with a bunch of people in a tour bus, even if they're your best friends. Sometimes the days are too long, the nights too short and the bus definetly too small. Marco has a temper, Jukka embraces his inner child, Tuomas.. well is Tuomas, Anette has to stand personal problems as well as some fans' hate and Emppu faces serious jealousy when the former two start to hang out together more often than not.It's been the worst, and it's been the best of all times.





	1. Showtime

**Author's Note:**

> I suggest to read the whole series from the start in the correct order. They're loosely connected.
> 
> This is a direct sequel to 'the poet and the pendulum'.

"Again, really?"

Tuomas said nothing but sprinted for the second time to the bathroom. Emppu sighed before he put his guitar down and followed him. He found him retching above one of the toilet bowls of the otherwise luckily empty room. Carefully he pulled his hair back and held it.

"I don't understand you. This is the third gig. All went well since now, why are you always such a mess before every live performance?"

Emppu didn't make out the answer, then again - maybe it wasn't one. Finally Tuomas stood up and staggered to the sink where he started to wash his mouth out. Then he closed his eyes and leant his head against the mirror above it.

"I don't know it. I am telling myself again and again that it's stupid, but it doesn't help anything. I cannot stop thinking about everything that could go wrong."

Emppu shrugged his shoulders. "And what could go so terribly wrong, pray tell?"

"Anette could forget the lyrics.."

"She still writes them on her arms."

"Jukka could finally just drop his sticks. I told him again and again to stop doing these fancy feats but he doesn't listen.."

"Jukka is grown on his sticks."

"I could play wrong.."

"In all these years I haven't heard you doing that once."

"I could choose the wrong sound or the technics could just pack up completly or you could mess up a solo.."

Emppu raised a brow. "I am sorry to break it to you, but if this happens - I don't care."

"What?"

"Really Tuo, what else? Marco could accidentally swallow his beard, my pants might rip when I go down too far and you could beat yourself unconcious when you headbang against the keyboard stand."

Tuomas watched him afflicted. "I worry about our reputation and you're making fun of me?"

"Tuo. All these people are here to be part of a show. If they want a perfectly mixed sterile sound experience, they can buy the album. And really - even if all of this happens at once and we end up playing unplugged - what a show that would be. They would never forget it. They are here because they want to watch us doing what we do best: entertain them. And hell, that I will do. With ripped pants, a fucked up solo and if need be with an acoustic guitar. Marco sings a capella, Jukka doesn't need electricity and I am sure here is a piano somewhere and you will play the audience to tears."

Tuomas had straightened up again and looked at him through the mirror. "I.. that's.. I never thought of it that way.."

"Come.. don't let our fans wait."

Emppu started to leave but Tuomas fetched his hand and stopped him. "That's really.. it's a completely new point of view. I have to think about that. That was in fact really helpful, thank you."

"You're very welcome."

"I would kiss you, but I'd rather not.." he gestured at his mouth.

"Well, at least we agree on that." Emppu laughed and felt relieved as Tuomas seemingly relaxed and started to smile. 

 

* * *

 

"What?" Marco asked irritated when he found Tuomas staring at him. He stopped tuning his bass. "Do I have something in my face?"

"Hair." Tuomas answered. "A lot of hair."

"Well, now that you're pointing that out - I think you're right. What brought you to that realization?"

"What do you think.. how high is the probability, that you swallow your beard while you're singing?"

"What?" Marco asked puzzled and Tuomas shook his head in response.

"Ah.. forget it.. just try not to swallow it", he said, took a deep breath and walked out onto the stage.

"Eh?"

Emppu - who was right behind him - chuckled and patted Marcos back. "Don't worry. If you do, I will do the splits for a diversion. I am wearing my Batman boxers. Nobody will notice you."

Marco had now stopped dead in his tracks and watched bewildered how Emppu followed Tuomas. As Jukka tried to pass him as well, he gripped his arm.

"Have they taken something?"

"Huh? Taken? Like what, cocaine?"

"More like LSD or mushrooms or something."

Jukka watched Tuomas wave to the cheering people in the audience with a bright smile on his face. "Hallucinogens? No, I would know if we had any. I have a sixth sense for things like that. I am practically a drug-sniffing dog. But wait.." he sniffed into Marcos direction, ".. maybe they took a deep breath out of your laundry bag. Your socks are by far the most potent hallucinogen for miles around."

When Marco kicked Jukka into the back of his knee as he fled, he tripped over a cable on the floor and all of sudden Tuomas' worst fears became reality: the lights went off. Emppu cursed. Meanwhile and only made out by the outlines, Marco stumbled onto the stage to the front where he crashed into Anette and caught himself at the microphone in a rather acrobatic pose. At that moment the lights luckily went on again and Emppu looked immediately to Tuomas, afraid of what he would find.

Tuomas stood still as a stone and looked wide eyed at Marco who still hanged with one arm off the microphone the other slung around Anette who clinged to his bass. He had one foot up in the air and swayed dangerously but kept both of them from falling into the crowd. For a few seconds it was absolutely silent. Then Jukka hit his cymbal in a flourish.

Emppu had never seen their fans cheering louder at a stage entry.

 


	2. Who am I?

"I don't get it.." Marco frowned. "You're sure I know me?" He looked around. Jukka nodded. He had a post-it on his forehead.

"Definetly."

"And I am Finnish."

"Yup."

"And a singer."

"Yes."

"Do I have a lot of groupies?"

"Uhh.."

"Do we like me?" He added hastily before a definite no would end his turn.

Jukka weighed his head.

"Okay, you got me. I like you. I am a groupie. And you're kinda good looking.. in this weird ragged rockstar kind of way.. _gosh_ did I say that out loud?" Jukka stared at the empty glass in front of him. "I am drunk. But then again.. why stop, now that it's out." He shrugged his shoulders and refilled it.

Tuomas chuckled without lifting his head off the table.

"Only yes or no." Emppu interjected.

"Am I Ville Valo?"

"Nope. Not _that_ good looking." Jukka shook his head and Emppu sighed. This was going to be a long night. Marco looked puzzled into the round, the post-it on his forehead saying 'Marco Hietala' in Jukkas almost unreadable handwriting. Oh yes, a very long night on the road again.

"It's your turn again Tuomas", Anette nudged him into his side. Her post-it said 'Aurora'. Emppu doubted very much she knew who that was. Tuomas 'Snowwhite' Holopoainen tiredly looked at her. 'So.. I am a princess.. is she from Europe..?" 

"Umh.." Marco and Jukka looked questioningly at each other and Jukka shrugged his shoulders.

"Yes." Emppu said instead. He was sure this would be a no-brainer for Tuomas.

"Fictional?"

"Yes."

Tuomas thought for a while as he considered the fact that Marco had written his post-it.

"Because there is no way we are talking about 19th century literature here, I assume there is also a Disney version of this?"

Emppu nodded. Marco looked kind of peeved.

"Then it's Snowwhite. It's the only movie Marco knows."

"Dammit." Marco grunted. "That's been too easy. Shouldn't have taken Disney."

"Wouldn't have been that easy if you were more into actual reading." Tuomas responded.

" _Oh, that I had a child, as white as snow, as red as blood and as black as ebony!_ " Ewo slurred from the corner of the bus. He laid sprawled out in a seat, clad in a Hawaiian shirt and had a bottle of vodka in his hand. Somewhen the last hour he had decided to get rid of his glass as well as his pants. He gestured dramatically: "Anyhow, you are every inch the Disney princess I always wished for, Snowwhite my son." He snickered. Emppu was very sure, he was going to regret a lot in the morning.

Jukka yanked the little piece of paper off Marcos face and flipped it at him. "Snowwhite won. Well, at least you can reuse this as a name tag".

"I was _me_?" Marco asked flabberghasted. "That's not allowed, it's against the rules!"

"What now? Identity crisis?"

"Very funny", Emppu said as he read his own post-it. "Snowwhite and the seventh dwarf. I love you too, you comedians."

"Who is Aurora?", Anette now asked and proved Emppu right. Tuomas took the note off her hand. "She is the goddess of dawn in roman mythology. I found that somehow suitable.. and the aurora borealis is named after her as well. She is a beautiful arch of light, hope and renewal for the living and a light at the way to heaven for the spirits of the dead."

He paused.

".. ' _yet she, the goddess who appoints the last road of night, carried him away._.' no that isn't from me.." he added hastily when he firstly noticed how Anette watched him open mouthed.

"That's good old Ovid." 

"Wow." Anette said and retook the post-it from Tuomas' hands. The way she looked at it told Emppu, she wouldn't throw it away anytime soon. He didn't like it. 

"Stop bragging with your education", Marco said now. "I feel stupid enough on a regular basis. Don't need any of that, thank you."

"And that's why you like me so much." Jukka grinned at him.

"I don't like you, Butthead."

"Oh, that hurt." Jukka dramatically gripped his heart.

" _Save me from the fallen shadows, pull me out of the night, wade me through the phantom shallows, followed by mornings' light._ " Tuomas suddenly cited, absentmindely. "I wrote something about her a few weeks ago. But I don't get anywhere with it, I don't think it will ever be finished."

Anette didn't say anything to that. She didn't need to because her face said it all.

Emppu watched the whole interaction silently and felt more and more at the sidelines. Of course, this was what Tuomas always did. He alternated between not participating in a conversation at all and suddenly saying something like that. If he intended it to be that sickly sweet or not Emppu couldn't say. He just had the bad feeling that metaphors and reality seemed to blur again in parts that Emppu felt quite possessive about.

"Are we into mythological metaphors again?" He asked and sounded obvioulsy more offended than he had planned to because Tuomas seemed a little taken aback.

"It's.. yes it's metaphorical. Of course it's metaphorical. What else did you think?"

Emppu thought quite a lot at the very moment. For example how everything in Tuomas life that affected him deeply seemed to become metaphorical. And how everybody and everything ended up in his poetry but Emppu. And how Anette looked at him in a way she had no right to. And how much he hated all of that.

Jukka stared at his post-it. "Ah...Butthead!" He snickered. "The MTV series! I love that series!"

"You're welcome. That's my metaphorical poetry. And you can reuse that as a name tag as well", Marco said.

Jukka nodded. "Ecological. I like ecological. You just know me so well." He stuck it back at his head and put his arm around Marcos shoulder. "Does this weird-good-looking rockstar have a cigarette for a broken groupie?"

"Ugh. No.." Marco shrugged him off. "I stopped smoking for the tour, remember? Ask Professor Snowwhite when he returns from fairy-land."

 


	3. Frustration

To say, Emppu was pissed off was an understatement. He stared at the photos at the table. They were the results of a reshoot Ewo told them to do three days ago. That alone hadn't sit well with Emppu. But this clearly took the cake.

"So you're telling me, it's affronting when Tuo puts his arm around me but it's totally fine when she grabs his ass?!!" He looked furiously around. 

"Emppu.. they told us how to pose, I didn't even realize it looks that way." Anette tried to pacify him.

Emppu watched the photo another time. "Really Nettie?! Well let me tell you: _it does_. If you haven't noticed as well: you're also practically pressed against him full body length.  _Whatever!_! What really pisses me off is this hypocritical shit! How on earth is this more okay than a fully modest band picture where Tuo accidentally stands next to me while we all hug? Really, it makes me wanna puke!"

"I understand your anger." Ewo now said. "If you hadn't made the headlines it wouldn't have been that an issue. But so I had to make  amends and it's been the reshoot or canceling the concerts in the middle-east. It's a different kind of culture. Do what you want behind closed doors, but we cannot afford to provoke anybody."

"Provoke? _PROVOKE_? What the hell do we do? Fucking each other in a public hallway?!" Emppu was fuming. Unfortunately they didn't do any kind of these things. As a matter of fact they didn't do it at all. What might be another reason for Emppus undeniable bad mood.

" _Erno!!!_ "

"Ah I see, it's Erno again. Am I that an annoying inconvenience to your marketing plans?"

"Sorry, that's still kind of an automatic reaction." Ewo pinched his nose. "This is serious. Really serious. It's not about marketing, it's about security. I don't want to start arming the crew. So it's that, and you will keep to the left side of the stage, am I clear? No interactions with Tuomas. Alcohol on stage is a no go too and bodily contact is out of question."

"What, no beer?!" Marco looked shocked.

"No beer, no wine.." he regarded Jukka who held up his hands "..nor any other substances that could roughly identify as psychedelics. Oh, and another thing: you all won't walk around alone in public. By the way, where actually is Tuomas?"

"Headache again." Anette said visibly uncomfortable as Emppu glared at her in response. 

"I can relate to that.. wait until he hears of the no-wine on stage thing." Marco mumbled. 

Emppu had enough. "Who cares about the fucking alcohol!! Will be a new experience for you to be a few days sober! You will survive it!"

Marco watched him quietly. Emppu hadn't been exactly the most pleasant company in the last few days. "If you're planning to go on with this jealousy tour, I am not so sure about that."

"Fine. _Fine_. Nice having friends like you. Don't worry. I won't disturb your heterosexual parody. All for the band, isn't it?"

He glared again at Anette. "For all I care you could be naked on these fucking pictures, wouldn't make any difference anyways, wouldn't it?" He turned to Ewo. "And maybe you can tell me what to do or not to do on stage, but I walk wherever it pleases me. I am totally able to lookout after myself, thank you very much."

He left the room and slammed the door shut.

"Geez", Marco said. "Somebody is really frustrated. 

Ewo watched the door worried. "Is he though?"

"Frustrated? As sure as hell."

"Obviously he is frustrated! I can't blame him. This whole situation is a huge fuck-up. No I mean 'able to look out after himself'. I am more than alarmed by the everyday-violence that's going on in Tel Aviv."

"Oh that. Yes, I wouldn't worry about him. He can handle that. And don't take it to heart Nettie. It's not your fault. He will get over it."

 

 

* * *

 

Emppu could in fact handle violence. He could handle quite a lot but the whole situation had become emotionally draining and hard to stand. The confinement, Marco and Jukkas constant bickering, Ewos regulations, Anettes reverence towards Tuomas and now this. Everybody had his own way to cope. For the most of them it was obviously alcohol what didn't really help the case. The tension was unbearable sometimes and Tuomas had started to replace regular meals with wine and cigarettes again in order to escape the necessity to spend even more time with everybody else, including Emppu. Having an headache was just another one of his strategies. Or maybe it wasn't and he really got them, but for the very same reasons. When he entered the bus he found him dozing in his bunk, his arm over his eyes.

"How are you?"

"It's okay as long as it is quiet and dark."

Emppu nodded.

"They want us to stay apart in Israel."

Tuomas lifted his arm to look at him. "Well.. that isn't really surprising."

"No.. I guess you're right. I just hadn't thought about it. I am still so very happy not having to hide myself away anymore that it didn't cross my mind. It hurt more than I anticipated. I don't know how I did it all these years. I almost cannot remember."

Tuomas reached out and took his hand. "You know it doesn't change anything. If you are in my arms or at the other side of the world, it doesn't change my heart."

Emppu leaned over and kissed him gently. "I know." He sighed. "I may also have freaked out over these new photos. I know it's just publicity and all, but I hate it to see you like that with someone else. I don't want anybody else to see you like that."

Tuomas raised a brow. "Like that? You mean with Nettie?" "Yes, that too." Emppu mumbled. "But I mean sexualized. You looked good though." Tuomas said nothing and Emppu watched him quietly. Then he reached out and traced his fingers along his brow down to his lips. Tuomas fetched it there before he could move any more downwards and kissed his fingertips. Emppu smiled at him, but felt another sting add to his insecurities that had added up the last days. Since that very first night they had often slept in the same bed, in each others arms. Even here in the bus - although it was really uncomfortable. They kissed and touched and Emppu had no doubt in the romantic feelings they shared, how much they meant to each other. But he had also no doubt, that he physically didn't affect Tuomas the way, he affected him. In addition to that the mere existence of these physicalities in general seemed to be something he had chosen to ignore completely. At least for himself and at least outside of his lyrics. 

"You're right. And it's just for a few days. I hate it anyways." Emppu sighed. "But we all have to make sacrifices. Marco is utterly pissed off by the no-alcohol-on-stage-rule."

Tuomas eyes grew big at that.

" _What??_  No wine?!!?"

"You are an idiot." Emppu slapped him and chuckled. "Cute, but an idiot."


	4. Tel Aviv

In hindsight Emppu didn't know how exactly everything happened. The only thing he remembered was that he saw how a huge brute with a bald head gripped Tuomas' arm and pulled him away from the group. They were inmidst of a crowded market place - because Jukka had stated you couldn't possibly travel the middle east without having seen a market and finally Ewo had permitted them such a visit with a sigh. Because it was midday, they were all together and there were lots of common people around them, so what could possibly happen? Yet, this obviously hadn't been such a good idea.

The next thing he remembered was how everybody stared at him while the huge brute was on his back at the ground with Emppus own arm wrapped around his neck in a choke-hold.

He had literally seen red.

Tuomas and Ewo now rivaled each other in face color. They were both as was white as a wall. Marcos and Anettes mouths stood open and Jukka held up a fez he just had intended to buy. The noises of the market were gone. The only thing that could be heard was the wheezing of the man beneath him. Emppu let go of him when his face slowly turned purple.

"Get off.. _freak_!" The brute rasped at him in broken English. Emppu automatically did and stood. That was when he noticed the knife that laid next to the man on the floor. In a reflex he put his foot on it before the man could grab it again. It was a baking heat since they had arrived in the city, but Emppu felt ice in his chest. He looked at Tuomas but otherwise than his abnormal face color and his shaking hands - which were his normal stress reaction - he seemed to be alright.

He knelt down next to the man on the ground and took the knife while he looked him into the eyes. Never before had he seen such amount of disgust, contempt and loathing at once. "I cut his pretty face, no man look at him again!" the man spat at him. Without his help Emppu felt his hand tighten around the weapon in his hand.

In that moment three heavily armed policemen came running towards him, one of them whistled furiously while the others screamed something at him he didn't understand. Then he was yanked away from the man on the ground and his arm held on his back. He looked disoriented around. Marco had lifted his hands in a calming gesture, Ewo was fully back in business mode and everyone was talking at once to the policemen. Meanwhile Anette seemingly struggled to keep Tuomas upright, her arm around his waist. Jukka just still held the fez up and was frozen to the spot. Suddenly Emppus arm was free again. Obviously some locals had persuaded the officers that he wasn't the attacker. Instead they put handcuffs at the other mans wrists. Emppu staggered away to the next wall and leant against it, Marco in tow. 

"Fuck me backwards", he stated. "I knew you've competed in judo back in the days, but that was incredible. I have never seen anything like that before.. I mean.." he looked Emppu up and down. "That guy was at least three times your size."

"It's easier the bigger they are." Emppu mumbled.

"Anyhow," Jukka said, the fez still in his hand, "I didn't know asshats could fly." He patted Emppus back. "Well done."

"Thanks." Emppu looked down at his own hands which still held the knife and had started to shake as well. "Oh my God." He sank to his knees.

"Hey.. what's up? Are you hurt?" Marco asked troubled.

"No."

"Then.. what is it? You did it, it's over. The police takes care of him." He gestured to the policemen who led the attacker away.

The knife clattered to the ground. "Oh my God.. he wanted to.." he looked over to Tuomas at the other side of the street who watched him terrified, apparently worried about him.

Emppu just shook his head to show he was alright and sat down. He couldn't end that sentence, not even in his head. All he knew was, that if there would have been just a trace of blood on that knife in front of him, the man who did this wouldn't be alive anymore.

There would have been blood on his hands now.

 

* * *

 

 When they were back again, Ewo hadn't said a single word and had made a call to cancel the gig. It had been Tuomas who had taken the handset out of his hands to hang it up.

"We are doing it." He looked around to make sure everybody supported his decision. Nobody objected. "We cannot give people like that any authority over us."

"I don't care for your pride. Or mine for the matter. It's too dangerous. I should have never agreed to that trip in the first place. It's been incredibly stupid. You.. you could have been dead for heavens sake! If Erno had not.. Emppu, sorry.." Ewo hid his face in his hands and made a strange sound. Emppu wouldn't have thought to see the day that Ewo cried, but evidently this day was at least very close to it. "I am sorry," he said now. "I made a mistake and you almost paid a very high prize for it. I would have never forgiven myself if anything had happened to you Tuomas."

"Ewo.. nothing that happened was your fault. Some people are just sick, you cannot foresee every eventuality. And I am fine. It was a shock, yes, but I am fine. And I don't want to give this asshole the satisfaction of a canceled gig. I wouldn't want him to think I give a single fuck about his opinions. Because I don't. And you shouldn't as well."

Ewo put his arm around Tuomas shoulder and hugged him briefly, his lips pressed into a line.

"Alright... alright. If it means that much to you.. but despite to what I said earlier.. I _will_ in fact arm the crew, I will get additional security and there won't be autographs or something like that after the show. You will go out, you play, you leave and tomorrow we're back in Europe."

Marco saluted. "Yes Sir, Mr. Pohloja Sir!" Jukka followed his example wordlessly, clicked his heels and put his hand at the fez on his head.

Ewo threw them an irritated look before he turned to Tuomas again. "Stay in the hotel and keep every contact to a minimum. I take care of everything."


	5. Competitions

The concert in Tel-Aviv would probably go down in history as one of Nightwishs most lame concerts ever. Emppu stood all the time glued to the spot at the left side, nobody headbanged and everyone including the audience was as sober as a judge. It wasn't that bad though - especially if you considered that nobody here was used to anything else - but for Emppu it just didn't feel right. It felt like rulebook slowdown and their expressions were matching it.

The concert would go down also as the one and only concert Jukka didn't wear his bandana. From Emppus position the little tassle ontop of his fez could be seen bopping up and down behind his drumset. Because he hadn't anything else to do, he counted how often it appeared in his field of view and ended up with 5487. The number still lurked somewhere in his head, the feeling of absurdity overly present since then.

But luckily there weren't any further incidents and in the early morning they were all sitting in the first flight back to Helsinki. Emppu had the window seat next to Marco and Jukka and watched how the sun rose above the clouds. At the other side of the aisle Tuomas sat between Anette and Ewo who still had insisted on their temporarily separation until they had ground under their feet again. Emppu couldn't really blame him. The whole affair had really taken its toll on him.

Tuomas leant over Anette now and pointed at something outside the window. She didn't immediately follow the direction he obviously wanted her to look in, instead she looked at his face that was mere inches away from her own. It only lasted seconds but it felt like a kick into Emppus guts. He knew that look far too well. He looked quickly away and out of the window again. The sunrise. Of course.

"Broccoli."

"Salami."

"Tomatoes."

"Just don't tell her of Aurora again you naive dreamy idiot." Emppu mumbled to himself.

"Frankfurter. Wiener. Black pudding - yes that's in fact one!"

"Aspargus, peas, carrotts!" 

Emppu turned slowly to his left and watched Marco and Jukka wordlessly.

"Blutwurst, cipolata, chorizo! What??"

"What the heck?" He eventually asked.

"It's a competition!!" Jukka answered joyfully. The overly enthuastic expression on his face didn't bode well. "Kale, ball pepper, celery!!!"

"How long will this flight take?" Emppu asked. _5487_. He felt somehow hollow.

"About four and a half hours." Marco responded. "Leberwurst. Why?"

Emppu closed his eyes.

"Lord have mercy on us." 

* * *

 

When they landed Emppu knew the names of possibly every vegetable and sausage that had ever existed on this planet and probably every other planet as well. The flight had been about as pleasant as listening to chalk screeching over a blackboard. Somewhen he had zoned out and had watched the other passengers. Most of them had headphones on, read something or were trying to sleep. For about roughly ten minutes he observed Ewo who fumbled with a mp3-player until he cursed and hit the thing at his arm-rest. He ended up watching Tuomas of course who had his eyes closed and looked relaxed. He was awake though, because his mouth twitched at Ewos rant about shitty high tech from china.

Emppu would have loved the sight if it hadn't been for Anette who had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

It was only ten o' clock in the morning and Emppu was absolutely done. All he wanted was a bed, quiet and peace. He stood at the baggage carousel and watched the suitcases like a zombie. Some part of his brain classified and counted them. He tried to ignore it. Yet he managed to miss his bag - it was Anette who fetched it off the belt and gave it to him before it could disappear again. 

"Thanks," Emppu mumbled.

"Is everything okay?" She asked. "You look pale."

"Yes.. I am just tired. And to be honest, I am still in a kind of aftermath of this attack."

She nodded. "Yes.. that's been a shock.. but you were great. Tuomas told me you are a martial artist, that's so cool."

"Well.. I am not. I haven't trained for years. It was kind of a reflex. I just only realized afterwards how serious this had been."

"Tuomas also told a few stories from when you were in school together."

Emppu regarded her. "He talks quite a lot when you're together, doesn't he?" He paused. "That's something special. Something really special."

Anette blushed a little.

"Emppu.. you should see his face when he talks about you." She swallowed. "You wouldn't.. you.. you should see his face." She looked down at her hands and twisted the ring at her finger. "All I know is, that if I had someone who looks at me the way he looks at you, I would be the happiest woman in the world."

"Nettie.." Emppu felt uncomfortable. "Why are you telling me this?"

She had tears in her eyes and Emppu wanted to run. He didn't need her tears on top of all of this. "Because I am missing our friendship. I feel so alone. Of course there are Jukka and Marco, but you know how they are. It's like watching an old married couple. And Tuomas.. I cannot talk to him like we used to talk. We used to talk for whole nights about everything and nothing. But since the tour began you are different. I feel we are in a kind of competition when it comes to Tuomas. Emppu.. there is and never was a competition. Nothing could ever compete to what you two share." 

"I am sorry Nettie, I.. I have to think about that. I am too tired to have a straight thought at the very moment."

"We're getting sandwiches," Tuomas suddenly said from behind. Emppu hadn't heard him approaching them. Silently he asked himself how much he had witnessed of their conversation.

"So.." he looked back and forth between Anette and Emppu. "What do you want? There is salami, mortadella, a spanish sausauge..",  he turned to Marco. "What's its name again..?"

Something inside of Emppu jumped the rails.

" _NO_!!!"

Tuomas flinched away from him. " _Heavens sake!_ What's wrong with you?"

"Not.. I take cheese. Just Cheese. Mayo. Nothing else."

"Some salad, tomatoes or cucum..?"

Emppu gripped his arm rather forcefully to stop his listing, his expression somewhere between desperation and pleading.

" _Just. Cheese._ "

Tuomas watched Emppus hand that clinged to his forearm. Then he carefully peeled his fingers away.

"Alright.. just cheese. No problem."

 


	6. The psychology of style

After that trip to Israel, Emppu was sick for a week. The last thing he remembered was how he collapsed at the airport into Marcos arms before he spent three days in a fever dream about Ewo on a huge sausage moralizing him. One time he wore nothing but a fez. But the most vivid one from which he awoke in the hospital, drenched in sweat and with a racing heart was about the attack. Only this time there was a lot of blood. On the floor, on the knife in his hands and all over Anette who was crying inmidst the mess. In her hand she held a crumpled little post-it.

After seven days Emppu had lost approximately 15 pounds and looked like shit. But he felt definetly better. Tuomas had told him on day four, that it was some kind of a virus and the doctor assumed, he probably had consumed some contaminated fruit or water. Emppu really didn't care at that moment. He had felt like dying and just had wanted it to be over. Now that it was, he looked into the mirror and found he couldn't even stand without holding onto the sink.

"You look better."

Emppu raised a brow at his reflection and the man behind him. "How on earth is it possible that I have looked even worse than this?"

Tuomas chuckled. "Don't worry. You will be back to your old self in no time. With all this healthy stuff you're always eating. But I am afraid we have to delay or cancel some gigs of our north america tour. There is no way you can play like this."

Emppu grimassed into the mirror. "I had a strange dream."

"You had a body temperature of 41.2 degrees for 27 hours."

"27 hours?"

"Anette organized a hospital bed for me and had to force me off your side. She took my place and promised to wake me instantly if you get better.. or worse.."

"You sat next to my bed for 27 hours?"

Tuomas smiled at him through the mirror and kissed his neck. "I would have sat there for the whole seven days straight. You scared me to death at the airport."

Emppu wouldn't have thought he would ever appreciate Anette to put herself between Tuomas and him, but he actually was. "I am glad she took care of you. Otherwise you would look probably the same like me right now. Well.." he added " a slightly better looking version though."

Tuomas laughed, embraced him from behind and put his head ontop of his. "So, what was your dream about?"

"Hmm? Nothing.. nothing serious", Emppu mumbled. "Just Ewo riding a frying sausage."

Tuomas laughed again. "You're calling that not serious!?? I am sure every psychologist in here would have to say a lot about that." 

 

* * *

 

"Really!?!" Marco stood in front of his locker. After another two weeks they had finally been able to continue their touring and so far, it had all gone well. Emppu didn't quite run around the stage like usually, but he was mostly restored. But the distances in Northern America where something else than in Europe, what meant: more time in the bus. A lot more time.

"The locker at the left is mine, what is all this stuff?!!" Marco yelled through the bus. "Tuomas!!"

Tuomas padded all the way from the front to the back and leant against the wall. He looked tired. The last night had been short. His mood clearly wasn't the best too. Emppu knew not to mess with him when he had that look. Marco obviously not.

"What?"

Marco pulled some clothes out of the locker in front of him. "That's my side, why is your stuff in there?!"

"There wasn't enough space in my locker."

"And then you take mine? Where shall I put my clothes?" He took some pants and studied the print with a bewildered look. "Is that _glitter_?!" Tuomas watched him flatly.

"Come on, you don't need all this room, you're wearing the same two shirts since we're on the road again."

Marco stared at him. "Maybe I have a lot of the same shirts."

Tuomas yawned and scratched his head. "No you haven't."

Marco pulled something out what looked like a thin scarf. "It's almost 30 degrees celsius out there, what could you possibly need this for? Or.. what is.. _this_..?" He held it up with two fingers and eyed it suspiciously.

"That's my stage outfit for tonight. I am going to wear nothing else." Tuomas deadpanned. "Whatever.. put it on my bunk if it bothers you that much. But don't squash my hats."

"Hats? Like plural?" Marco took a closer look at the insides of his locker. " _What the_.. how many heads do you have?!" 

Tuomas raised his middle finger in the air. "Only one. But it's quality work."

Emppu got a coughing fit. He had rarely ever seen Marco at a loss for words. But this was one time. Open mouthed he stared after Tuomas who grabbed his cigarettes and went outside. Meanwhile Jukka wasn't as subtle as Emppu and was slapping his thighs and snorted with laughter. 

"Ohhhhh _buuuuurn_! Really, how could you? Insult his sense of style, rookie mistake! _Muahahaha.._ " he wiped his eyes. "If you have a death wish: he has his cosmetics in the kitchen with the cereals. Go on, I am going to film it with my phone. Any last words?" He started to snort again and slid off the seat onto the floor.

Marco looked another time at the black half transparent fabric in his hand.

"Oh my God. I am not going to get that image out of my head. _Ever_."


	7. Anette

It's been inmidst of 'the poet and the pendulum' when somebody threw a plastic cup with beer and hit Anette at her shoulder. Firstly Emppu thought, it would be just a random drunken idiot but then he realized, she wasn't hit by accident. Anette sang on but stumbled over a few words. Emppu looked over to Tuomas who looked confused into the crowd, trying to make out what was going on there.

" _Fucking bitch!_ " a man shouted. " _Tarja!_ " Another one yelled. The security was getting nervous and Emppu as well. He moved over next to Anette.

"Don't listen to them."

Anette watched him wide eyed and missed a whole line when another cup missed her head by inches. She started to cry.

That was when Tuomas stopped playing, what was in fact a first. Emppu trailed off as well and finally Jukka too. Marco stomped to the microphone, shoved Anette aside and glared into the audience.

"Does anybody want to leave? Because I have the feeling some here are at the wrong concert."

" _Get somebody who actually can sing!_ " 

"Ah.." Marco leaned down to a member of the security crew in front of the stage. "That gentleman over there with the big mouth. Would you be so kind and direct him towards the exit? Thanks. If he doesn't find his way in the first run, you may help it."

He looked around. "Anybody else..?" The crowd was noisy, but no one else spoke up. "No? Great."

He turned to Anette. "Are you alright?" Anette wiped her eyes and sniffed. "Yes."

"Can we go on?" She looked around and ended up at Tuomas who watched her with sympathy. She pressed her lips together and nodded. "Yes. Yes we can."

 

* * *

 

"I know how you feel. To be the target. All these people who hate you though they do not even know you." Tuomas sat down next to Anette on the floor in the otherwise empty changing room. She had her head in her hands.

"That are idiots. Don't take that to heart, don't listen to them." 

"Emppu said the same but I couldn't. I..", she sniffed. "They want someone like Tarja. A queen on stage.. not.. " she gestured at herself. "I am sorry, I don't know what I've been thinking. How I could ever believe I could hold a candle to her heritage." She nosed her dress and grimaced. "And I smell like a tramp."

Tuomas nudged her into the shoulder.

"Anette.. I chose you and I know exactly why. And the fact, that you are nothing like Tarja played an immense role in it. I don’t expect you to sing the old songs and I don’t care what Tarjas fans say about that. Maybe they should move on as well. I am totally happy with that. You do well. You're not this powerful presence that blows everything off the stage - and there is nothing wrong with that. The voice is just like any other instrument and I wrote this music for your voice. You bring it alive and that is all I could ever wish for. It's been.. it's been dark times before we met. I needed a new dawn, and that is you."

Anette looked up and smiled sadly at him. Her makeup was a mess. Obviously she'd been crying since she got here - what must had been an hour ago.

"Your Aurora?"

Tuomas watched her for a while, then he gave her a kleenex out of his pocket. "Yes. Sorry that's already used."

"Doefn't matter, Fthanfks." She blowed her nose. "I have read about her."

"Really..?" Tuomas looked slightly uncomfortable. 

"There are.. quite a few really explicit poems and paintings about her. She certainly wasn't chaste."

"I.. I wasn't referring to that when I named you after her."

Anette studied his blushing features. Then she nudged him back.

"I wouldn't mind, you know."

For a few moments neither of them spoke, they just sat next to each other and looked ahead in heavy silence.

"Nettie..", Tuomas eventually said. He had a desperate undertone in his voice.

Anette swallowed and nodded. She briefly squeezed his hand.

"I know.. sorry. I know.. I.. I just wished I had a man like you. With a heart. Sensible and caring. Sorry."

Tuomas turned and just stared at her as an incredibly massive déjà-vu seemed to hit him like a sledge hammer. This wasn't happening again.

"But I guess you got what you deserve", she went on and looked down at her hands. "I just had to fall for the thickest asshole on this planet and here I am, conveniently touring around the very same for not having to go home. I don't want to go home and find him with one of his whores.. I.. will never go home again. I.. gosh, I miss my little boy so very much.."

She had tears in her eyes again and wiped them hastily away.

"Sorry.. I.. I should go."

"No." Tuomas fetched her arm as she wanted to get up. "Please. Don't go."

He took a deep breath. "The last time I let a friend go this way, she never returned. Don't go." 

He pulled her down again and onto his shoulder and Anette buried her head at his side and cried.

"I have always wondered how you could give up your family for all this here. I am sorry." Tuomas said quietly as he held her.

"Come on, stop being so damned kind. What are you sorry for? My fucked up life really isn't your fault."

He smiled down at her. "What.. you didn't leave him for me?"

Anette sniffed. "Actually I did. But when you phrase it like that it sounds a little misleading.." She hiccuped. "Gosh, that would irk him to death."

"Shall I mention it then in our next interview?"

Anette watched him wide eyed. "Are you kidding me? Emppu would kill me with his bare hands."

Tuomas chuckled. "Probably."

She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

"I brought you here and I feel responsible for you. I know it's not easy 24/7 with the guys - and me as well. But you can always come to me. No matter what troubles you. I am your friend. We all are. And we all don't want another Tarja." He paused and scrunched his eyebrows. "As a matter of fact - another Tarja is really the very last thing I need. "

Anette watched him warily. "One day I would like to hear that story."

Tuomas shook his head. "No, there is only one person who is that close to my heart. And he will stay the one and only."

"For heavens sake Tuo," Anette moaned and pushed him away. "Could you be anymore perfect? I really hate you."


	8. Not enough

"What about barbecue for dinner?" Jukka had opened the fridge and rummaged through the contents.

"Sounds good." Marco said. "Just don't contaminate it with zucchini and meat analogues."

"I don't know.." Emppu said slowly. Since his hospitalization he had an aversion to sausages. In addition to that he was quite sure, he wouldn't be able to sit at the same table with Ewo in that context.

"What about you Tuomas?" Marco yelled through the bus.

"What?"

"Food! Din-din!"

"I don't care. Something with ketchup on top."

"Don't say that. Jukka will force you to eat something like soy-schnitzel. I swear, I still feel it somewhere inside of my guts."

Tuomas appeared in the door. "Whatever. With ketchup I am eating a shoe sole."

"A shoe sole is a delicacy in comparision. At least it's leather."

"That's because your taste buds have comitted suicide." Jukka declared. "If you would just consume the minimum of the recommended amount of fruit and vegetables, you would have skin soft like a baby's bottom, sleep like a saint and the hair of an angel."

Marco raised a brow. "Is that why you wear this bandana? And I already have the hair of an angel, thank you very much. Back and front."

"My skin is a lost case anyhow. I am going to consume the recommended amount of sugar", Tuomas said and put five cube sugars into his coffee mug. "That has to do."

"Yes", Emppu said and took the box from his hand as he passed him before he could take a sixth. "And that before breakfast. Would you like a cigarette for stirring?" 

Tuomas watched him with squeezed eyes.

"Here", Jukka said and pulled something out of the fridge. "That is a sausage made from mushrooms."

"Fantastic", Emppu said and felt nauseatic. He had thought his disgust of sausages in general couldn't be topped. He had been wrong. "The worst out of both worlds."

"A sausage out of _mushrooms_???" Marco asked dumbfounded. He took the package out of Jukkas hands.

"Fact. A sausage out of mushrooms."

"Could you stop saying this?" Emppu pleaded. He looked slightly green.

"I mean.. why? First you say you don't want to eat something and then you go and make something that looks exactly like that what you don't want to eat and then you eat it?!?"

He looked at Tuomas. "Does that qualify as mental defect?"

"In my opinion qualifies at least fifty percent of everything you both do as such."

Marco stared at him. "Sharp-tounged again today, aren't we? Compensating something?"

"Just on an intellectual level." 

Marco pursed his lips. "Jukka, maybe we should get Nettie and restock the beer."

Jukka took another look into the fridge.

"Nope, there is plenty."

Marco grabbed his arm. "There isn't such a thing as too much beer."

"Huh?" Jukka looked puzzled then his face brightened up.

"Ahhh.. yes, we are going to ' _restock_ ' ' _the_ ' ' _beer_ '" he said and air-quoted every word with his fingers. Emppu rolled his eyes.

Marco hit the package of mushroom-sausages at Jukkas head.

"Ouch, what was that for?" 

"Practice."

"That's not a reason."

"Shut up."

"Or what?"

"Or I force you to watch how I make myself a carrot from ground beef."

 

* * *

 

"Oh my God.." Tuomas moaned. "Do you hear that?"

Emppu listened intently but couldn't hear anything. "No..?"

"Exactly."

Tuomas let himself fall onto his bunk and closed his eyes. "This is paradise.. is it me or does it get worse?"

Emppu chuckled. "No, that's you. You're getting old."

Tuomas opened one eye. "Your compliments are lacking that certain indefinable something."

"Move over."

Emppu crawled into the bunk and laid on his side, his head on his arm. Then he started to draw patterns with his finger on Tuomas' face, along his brow and nose, down his cheekbones to his lips. "Beautiful." He whispered and kissed him gently. "So beautiful." He kissed him again and slid his hand under Tuomas' shirt this time where he proceeded his patterns on his collarbone and down his stomach. Tuomas kissed him back, but fetched his hand above his navel and held it there.

Emppu laid back and watched him silently. 

"Is it me..? Am I.. not enough?"

Tuomas reached out and caressed Emppus face. "Please, stop it. It isn't you. You are everything and more I ever wished for."

"Then what is it? What's going on in there?" Emppu tapped his finger at Tuomas' forehead.

Tuomas just looked at him. Emppu couldn't say what he was thinking. "It's a dark and condemned place", he eventually said. "You don't belong there."

"I belong to you. There is nothing worthy of condemntion in you, that is something you made up in your head far too long ago. You're not even religious! If you would just let me in there, I could show you. Please.. let me show you.."

Emppu reached out another time but this time Tuomas stopped his hand before he could even touch his skin.

"It's... it's alright. I don't need this, I can live without."

Emppu watched him sadly.

"I don't know if I can. Not this way."

"If you.. I mean.. I could.." Emppu watched him bewildered as he took a deep breath and climbed over him and between his legs. Carefully he started to slide his hands up his inner thighs until he reached the zipper of his jeans. As he made a move to open it, Emppu stopped him. 

"What are you doing there?"

"If you.. need this I am willing to do that for you."

Emppu stared at him.

"What, humiliating yourself while I am not even allowed to touch you that way?!? Get away there."

"Why won't you let me give you this? This is the second time you reject me."

"It is not just about giving Tuo. It's about taking too. I am not going to be the one sided receiver of a service. That is not what I meant. I don't need _that_. If I would, I could pay a whore."

The moment he said the word 'whore' Emppu knew, he had made a grave mistake. 

Tuomas slowly retreated and stood, his eyes never leaving Emppus face. His expression was something, he would never ever forget his whole life. Cautious and guarded like a prey surrounded by predators.

"If it is that what my devotion means to you, maybe you should do that." His voice was toneless.

Emppu desperately wanted nothing more than to take everything back, make it unhappen.

"Tuo.. I didn't mean to.."

"Oh." Tuomas interrupted him. "But sadly, you did." The void in his eyes was the most terrible thing that Emppu had ever seen.

"Please..", he whispered. "I am so sorry."

"Yes", Tuomas said. "Me too."


	9. Phase four

"That is a serious phase four." Marco said. He stirred his coffee and watched Tuomas who sat in the back of the bus with a bottle of wine in front of him. He had his head on the table.

"Phase four?" Anette asked.

Marco nodded.

"Phase one: no food, phase two: no sleep, phase three: alcohol and slash or drugs, phase four: all of it."

"How many phases are there?"

"Six."

"What is five and six?"

Marco pressed his lips together.

"At five we are doomed and six is something I never want to see again."

At that moment Emppu entered the bus, took only a glance at Tuomas and turned to the fridge. He opened it, took a box of orange juice and stared at it for a while. Eventually he took also a bottle of vodka before he closed the fridge again with his foot. He sat down in front of Anette and Marco. His eyes were red.

Marco stared at him.

"It's nine o' clock."

Emppu took a gulp direct from the bottle before he poured some more into a glass together with a sip of orange juice.

"Yes. That's why there is orange juice."

"Emppu.." Anette said and put her hand on his arm. "What the hell happened yesterday? When we returned you were both gone. We thought.. we thought you were spending some romantic alone time."

"Oh, we were. Before I fucked it up that is. Thoroughly and ultimately."

"What?"

"Please, just let me be."

"You won't be able to perform tonight if you start to drink this early." Marco said carefully but Emppu didn't respond. He stared into the glass with a strangely empty gaze. Marco had never seen him like that before. He flinched when Jukka banged the door open and jumped inside.

"Uh", he said as he passed Tuomas. "Phase four." He looked around and ended at the bottle of vodka in front of Emppu. "That is new." He took a package of toast and Nutella, sat down next to him and elbowed him into the side. "What's up? Trouble in paradise?" He started to heap an unholy amount of chocolate spread on a slice of bread.

Marco made the cut-off gesture and shook his head and Jukka stopped with a questioning look. He pointed at his bread and then at Emppu when Marco grimaced and shook his head again.

"Oh."

He turned and took a closer look at Tuomas on the table.

"Oh fuck."

Marco nodded. "Amen to that." 

 

* * *

 

Miraculously, Tuomas managed to keep a constant level of intoxication over the whole day, balanced skillfully the thin line between numbness and unconciousness. That, and the fact that his keyboard playing was still on point told Marco more about his drinking habits, than he appreciated.

Emppu wasn't that lucky. For once it wasn't Tuomas, but him who spent the last minutes before their gig retching over a toilet bowl. Meanwhile Tuomas just sat at the floor of the corridor and stared into nothing. He didn't talk, he didn't do anything but automatically performing the most necessary tasks. Marco knew something had to happen and it had to happen soon. He just felt utterly clueless about what that had to be.

Somehow they made it through the performance without Emppu throwing up all over the stage although he looked more dead than alive. Afterwards he disappeared without a word, probably to sleep it off. Marco warily glanced at Tuomas. He stood trembling against one of the cases that held their equipement, his face hidden behind his hair. He hadn't reacted at all when they had tried to address him. Yet, in Marcos opinion alone the circumstance, that he was able to stand upright with the amout of alcohol that had to be in his system was truely astounding. Or sad. He couldn't quite decide.

"Go, get Ewo", Anette said now. "I look out for him until you're back."

"Alright. Don't let him go anywhere. I am not sure what phase that is right now." He hurried after Jukka out of the room.

"Phase, phase.. as if I am now any wiser than before", she mumbled. "You wouldn't tell me, wouldn't you?" As expected, she didn't get an answer. "Oh Tuo, what happened, hmm? Do you hear anything of what I am saying?" Carefully she touched his arm so as not to frighten him.

"Yes." He sounded remarkably clear, albeit hoarse.

"Do you need help?"

Tuomas inhaled deeply, tried obviously to get his breathing under control. His current state reminded Anette of a panic attack.

"Probably."

"Marco is getting Ewo. Maybe you can sleep in his caravan tonight, without all of us around."

Tuomas lifted his head to look at her. "You are beautiful." He said, apparently out of any context. "Really beautiful.

"W..What?" Anette stuttered.

"He is an idiot for not appreciating you."

Slowly he took her hand off his arm and pressed his lips on it, his eyes on her face. Anette stood frozen to the spot.

Without any further indication, Tuomas pushed off the case, put his arms around her and kissed her fully on the mouth. Anette gasped in surprise and struggled in his hold until he stopped. He put his head at hers, his breathing still way too fast. Anette touched her lips where she tasted wine and salt, completely baffled.

"You want me to do this, don't you?" Tuomas panted, watching her fingers at her mouth.

Anette stared at him before she kissed her fingertips and put them lightly against his lips. Then she gripped his shoulders and pushed him gently away. "Yes. Yes I do. But you don't."

He looked at her in a way that frightened Anette a little. It had something desperate and haunted.

"Not?" His voice sounded strange. As if that word got stuck in his throat between a laughter and a sob.

With a step he closed the distance between them again, pulled her flush against himself and pressed into her stomach. Anette looked startled down, her eyes wide. Suddenly Tuomas let go off her and stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall. There he hid his face in his hands and slid down until he sat at the floor.

"Oh my God. What's wrong with me?" 

Anette watched helplessly as he started to sob and shake vigourously.

" _What's wrong with me?_ "

She walked over and sat slowly next to him, put her hand carefully at his arm again.

"Nothing is wrong with you. You are heartbroken and confused and drunk and alone. Nothing is wrong with you."

"Forgive me." 

"There is nothing to forgive. Friends, remember?" 

For a while they just sat there, Tuomas with his head in his hands, Anette at his side.

"What is it with these phases? What is phase six?" She eventually broke the silence.

Tuomas looked wordlessly down at his arms. For the first time Anette saw the white patterns that crisscrossed his pale skin, far better visible in the artificial light behind the stage.

"It's everything", he whispered and traced a line with his finger that once had been a deep cut. "There is everything wrong with me."

He started to cry again, violently, miserably and unguarded. Anette put her arms around him and pulled his head against her neck where he buried it in her hair.

"I love him. I love him so very much", he sobbed.

"Shhh.." she said soothingly.

"It's alright. He knows that. I know he knows."


	10. The end of everything

Emppu awoke with a déja-vu of a certain day months ago: fully clothed, with an aching heart, a sick stomach and no memories about how he had made it into his bunk. He turned with a groan and found Marco sitting and watching him.

"Did you bring me back again?"

"Found you outside. Didn't want you to get gnawed at by a racoon."

He passed him a bottle of water and an aspirin. "We need to talk."

Emppu sat up and lightly shook his head before he put it in his hands and groaned again.

"I don't want to talk Marco. This is something very private and I won't betray what little trust there is left and go on about this to someone else."

"You have to fix this. We cannot do another concert like yesterday. I was constantly afraid one of you would pass out on me."

"He won't even listen to me.. is he here?"

"No. He wasn't all night long. I got up around four to go for a piss and he still wasn't back so I assume he slept somewhere else."

"Have you seen him yet?" Emppu mumbled. Tuomas hadn't looked at him once the whole day. He tried to remember the last evening but it was heavily fragmented. "How is he?"

"No, I haven't. But don't worry, Ewo and Nettie had a look at him. We wouldn't let him go anywhere by himself in that state."

Emppu looked up at that. "He was with Anette?"

"The last time I've seen him, yes. Looked absolutely pathetic. I don't know what happened then. I got Ewo and helped the crew to put away our stuff because the owner of that hall wanted to close up. Afterwards they were gone. I guess Ewo knows more. But I haven't seen him either this morning." He looked at his watch and scrunched his brows. "Well, it's actually noon."

"Anette."

Marco sighed as he realized were this was going again.

"You listen to me: I won't dig any further, but let me tell you, whatever your problems are - it's not Nettie."

"This makes so much sense."

"Dammit, Emppu! Do you hear yourself? That doesn't make any sense at all! All your crap the last weeks whenever Nettie mooneyed him. Yes, she obviously has a bad crush on him and they get along very well. And you know what? I am glad about it, he needs someone to talk to about all these tangled things that are going on in his weird mind and that surely isn't me or Jukka."

He paused as an absurd image of Tuomas crying in Jukkas arms like a child flashed through his mind, his expression awkward as fuck. He shook it off.

"And it's a blessing", he went on, "that it isn't only you because I'd be seriously afraid right now."

"The moment he came up with Aurora I knew it." Emppu said, apparently not going to react to any of Marcos words. He seemed to have a serious realization. "I knew it but I've been lying to myself." He looked down at himself in sorrow. 

"Emppu.. I've never seen him looking at another person the way he looks at you. Not even Tarja back in the days when I thought it would break him altogether."

"It never ended up in smoke, you know." Emppu looked utterly forlorn. "I should have never told him all these years ago. He would have never acted if I hadn't thrown my confessions at him. Nothing of this would have happened."

Marco stared at him with a strange mixture of pity and distress. 

"No, and you know why? Because Tuomas wouldn't have made it. Don't think I don't know what 'the poet and the pendulum' is."

For the first time Emppu appeared to be as small as he really was. It was heavily wrong and unsettling.

"Fix it or this is the end of everything."

Marco gripped Emppus shoulder and shook him forcefully."

"Fight for it."

 

* * *

 

Tuomas didn't show up for any kind of meal nor had anybody seen him. Ewo and Anette stayed missing as well. Now Marco studied their impossible gig-schedule while Jukka was unusually quiet and watched his tense demeanor. Suddenly he got up, took the papers out of his hands, patted his shoulder and left to look for their manager or anyone else who would know what to do. Marco inflated somehow and glanced sadly at Emppu who had consumed three bottles of water but hadn't done rarely anything else. He lied ontop of his bunk and stared at the ceiling.

"This is it then?"

"I am going to quit." Emppu said quietly. "You'll get another guitarist. I am sure Ewo still has a few in mind."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

"I cannot stay. I cannot stand to see him every day."

"If you quit, the band is history. End of story."

"That's Tuos decision."

Marco stood, opened the door of the bus and slammed almost into Anette who was about to enter. He watched her intensly as if he was looking for something in her face. Then he turned back to Emppu.

"No Emppu, it's your decision."

 

* * *

 

"I made sure he wouldn't drink any more alcohol."

Emppu didn't respond.

"But I think he also took something else yesterday, you don't happen to know what it might be..?"

Emppu shook his head. "Pain killers perhaps. Or medication for his shaking. Doesn't go well with alcohol. You should have an eye on that from now on. I won't stand in your way anymore." 

Anette sighed.

"It's not this way", she said. "Really Emppu."

Emppu laughed without any trace of humour.

"Do you think I am blind? I see your face when you look at him Nettie. Don't lie to me. I think it is exactly _this_ way."

"I.. like him. I like him a lot. But I will never be emotionally as close to him as you are. He needs you, more than anything else."

 _Emotionally_. Emppu felt a sting in his chest, cold and hot and fatal. It was hilarious how something that wasn't there anymore still could be in pain.

"Where were you last night?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper. Apart from the place where his heart used to be he felt completely numb.  _If you'll be the one to cut me, I'll bleed forever._

"It isn't as you think."

"Were you with him?"

"Emppu.."

" _Were you??!_ "

Anette threw her hands up in the air in resignation. "For heavens sake, yes! But.."

"He is an incredibly good kisser, isn't he?" He cut her off. "The way he moves the tip of his tounge along my lower lip drives me insane each time."

Emppu watched how she looked down at her hands, a blush creeping up her cheeks and nodded to himself.

"Alright", he said quietly. "That's all I wanted to know."

“Please Emppu.. Tuo would never do that to you.” 

" _That_ name belonged to me as well."

Emppu pressed his lips together and shook his head.  "I thought we were friends."

Anette looked sad and helpless. She didn't say anything anymore but there wasn't anything left Emppu wanted to hear from her anyways. Not the lie. At least the truth.

"' _Don’t let them take this from you '_ , do you remember these words?" He thought of a torn out page of a newspaper in his guitar case and felt tears in his eyes he wouldn't cry. Not in front of her. Maybe never.

"I see, it didn’t include yourself. Don’t come to me ever again and ask for my friendship."

 


	11. I want the beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. It happened. I lost my innocence, my writers-virginity - I wrote smut. 
> 
> There is nothing as hot as love-hate-frustration-sexual-tension-talk. Especially for a guy who is into words. Be prepared.
> 
> I regret nothing.

 

Emppu hated his life.

He had agreed to play the last Northern America gigs in order for Ewo to have enough time to find a suitable replacement for the last gigs in Europe in December. What would happen afterwards, nobody knew. The tour was planned for almost another two years but Tuomas hadn't said anything when Ewo had questioned him about the bands future. He also refused another guitarist, but Ewo told him he had no say in that if he wouldn't want to account personally for the financial desaster it would mean.

So Emppu played. Gig for gig for gig. They sat at opposites sides of the corridor. They played at opposite sides of the stage. They went on, they played, they went off. And Tuomas had started to puke his guts out again before every one of them. Afterwards he disappeared to God knows where and came back obviously late at night when everybody else was sleeping. By day Anette and him were a package deal. Somehow she had managed to make him eat two square meals a day and to throw away the cigarettes. Apparently Emppu had never offered the right kind of arguments. Or miracles happened. All of that was halfway tolerable, though it hurt.

What wasn't tolerable were the gigs itself. He learned to hate the sight he once had loved more than anything in the world. When Tuomas became another person, when he got lost in his music and playing and every raw emotion radiated off him. Passionate Tuomas who came out of his head and was living the music he had locked himself up in.

Yes, it was this what made him hate his life the most he thought, as he once again stood on stage and played the riff of 'cadence of her last breath' for what felt like the millionth time. He probably could play it while asleep.

He stared at Tuomas face, the sweat at his brow, the closed eyes and the slightly opened mouth. He had dreamt of things like that but in an entirely different setting. He surely looked the part. It certainly gave Emppu second thoughts about their conversation about 'hard times' on stage.

He let his eyes roam Tuomas' slender body, took in the line of his neck when he threw his head back, the drenched tank that left little to the imagination and the way he moved his hips. That was when Emppu played a wrong chord.

 

 

* * *

 

 

And he had been right.

He had put away his guitar as fast as he could and had followed Tuomas off stage. And there he was, in the dimly lit corridor backstage and stopped as he noticed Emppu had been following him. He turned and slowly leant at the wall behind him. For the first time in days he acknowledged Emppus presence and actually looked at him. The evidence of his arousal was clearly outlined in his tight fitting jeans.

Emppu loved and hated those jeans. As well as he loved and hated just about everything he saw right now. Tuomas' long dark hair stuck to the wet skin of his arms, his eyeliner under those incredibly blue eyes was smeared and said drenched tank clinged to his narrow frame. And that fucking jeans.. Emppu had wanted to slide his hands up those perfectly accentuated thighs since he had seen Tuomas wearing it for the very first time. What had been long frustrating six years ago. Looking that hot had to be a sin. And hell just became so much more tempting.

Slowly Emppu shook his head.

"The cadence of her last breath..? Really? You know what, maybe you're right. Maybe there is something worthy of condemntion in you." He walked over until he stood directly in front of him, their bodies almost touching and looked pointedly down.

"Save one breath for me, save one death for me.. it's something intimate, isn't it? Your words at their lips, your music, _you_.." He looked up again only to see the defiant glint in his eyes and Emppu decided, he had enough of that bullshit. Not again. He reached out and touched the offending bulge firmly. "It does unspeakable, forbidden things to you, am I right? Does it feel as if you're touching her? Do you want her in all these ways you're so afraid of? I am sure, she would let you have her. She worships the ground you walk on, you know? She would do anything you want."

Tuomas gasped and tried to pull away but Emppu wasn't willing to let him this time. He stepped forward, forced the taller man completely against the wall and started to stroke him through the fabric of his trousers. The feeling of him hard under his fingers, the little noises he made, his body shivering beneath him.. Emppu had never wanted anything more, his whole damn life. His throat was dry as the Sahara and he felt dizzy, all blood clearly somewhere south. He put his mouth at his ear.

"Would you let me watch? I guess I could get off to that.." he rasped and pushed hard against Tuomas to prove his claim. "Go on.. think of her lips at you.. but it's my mouth on your skin.." Emppu bit down his neck, hard enough to leave a mark, his tounge at the sensitive pulse point. He felt the deep inhale more than he heard it with all the blood rushing in his ears, just like Tuomas' racing heart, right beneath his open mouth. It went straight to Emppus core. He was so hard, it hurt. He took Tuomas' hand and pressed it to the front of his pants.

"This is what seeing you like this is doing to me.. I want to make you lose yourself, all your fucked up morals.. think of your nymphomaniac fantasies.. but it's me doing that to you.." Tuomas whimpered and shuddered against him.

"Think of her.." he whispered into his ear and traced his tounge along it ".. but it's me. Always me." Emppu had the short-termed reflex to swallow his moan in an open mouthed kiss as he put his own hand on top of Emppus and pushed into it, rough and with sheer need. He bruisingly returned his kiss, utterly addicting and so blatantly different to what Emppu had ever experienced with him before, it took what was left of his senses away.

Suddenly Tuomas gripped his shirt, turned both of them around and pushed himself between Emppus legs, their erections pressed against each other. That pressure through all their clothes and the heated look on his face was all it needed for Emppu to push him over the edge. He nearly blacked out, only held up by the wall in his back and the man in front of him. It was embarassing, but something to care about later. Tuomas followed him shortly after, trembled in his arms, his breathing hot against his mouth. Emppu pulled his hips near, wanted to feel every little quiver of it, held him close all the way through it and kissed gently blood off his lips and salt off his cheeks afterwards. Something to care about later as well.

Eventually Tuomas put his forehead against his, his eyes closed. Emppu caressed the side of his face, wiped dark, wet streaks away, felt him lean into his touch. The frustration and anger that had burnt him just minutes ago was completely gone. In its place was a warm feeling he had missed so very much.

"I love you", Emppu said. He wanted to say a thousand other things but nothing else mattered next to that. Nothing else would ever matter.

"I know", Tuomas answered, his lips curved in a half smile and Emppu lightly shook his head at that trademark response. It had become kind of a game between both of them. He kissed his brow.

"I don't care about condemntion Tuo. I want you. This way, any way, all of it. I want your love, your fears, your good and your bad. The poet, the man, the child - I want all of them. And I want the beast." He traced his finger along that slowly fading half smile. His lower lip still bled. He looked down at the red. "Show me all of them."

Tuomas didn't say anything, they just stood, head against head, while their breathing slowly calmed down. Eventually he stepped back and glanced at Emppu with an unreadable look. He still held his hand.

"I need a shower", he said.

Emppu stared at him in disbelief. That surely was the last answer he'd expected.

"What?"

"And a cigarette."

"A cigarette", Emppu repeated toneless. Avoidance was obviously a thing again. As well as smoking.

"Yes."

Emppu pressed his lips into a line.

"I wouldn't recommend to smoke in the shower, but hey.. who am I to judge?" He sounded irritated.

Tuomas let him go, threw a last look at him and went slowly towards the exit in his fucking god damned jeans. Emppu clenched his hands at his side into fists and started to feel utterly helpless again. And desperate. Irritated, helpless and desperate.

"Are you going to pretend it never happened?" He asked. The words seemed to try to choke him. He was so terribly afraid of the answer, he felt physically sick.

Tuomas stopped in the door but didn't turn, his eyes on the floor.

"I said, I need a shower you slow-witted idiot. And the cigarette I'll need afterwards."

He looked up with a smile.

"Does the poet need to write it down in verse form?"


	12. Of happy moments

"I have a Christmas present for you." Tuomas said to Anette and pointed towards the campfire. It was their traditional Nightwish friends and family Christmas gathering in Kitee and the little hut inmidst the small forest was crowded. Most people stood around the campfire with a hot or alcoholic drink. Preferably both. Emppu tried to spot what Tuomas was pointing at but couldn't see anything special. Yet, Anette apparently did.

"Oh my God. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod." She put her hands over her mouth, tears in her eyes. "Oh my God, I love you!" She threw herself in Tuomas' arms who had to take a step back to keep his balance.

"I love you", she proclaimed another time and kissed his cheek. Then she ran away.

"Wow", Emppu said. "I know we've talked extensively about that, but I am almost still tempted to say you two are hiding something from me. At the other hand this possibly couldn't have been any less subtle." He watched how Anette disappeared between the people around the fire. Their friendship was nowhere near where it once had been, but after the necessary talk all of them had, they somewhat got along.

"You're still jealous." Tuomas stated.

"You've admitted you kissed her."

"Yes. And she rejected me. If you can forgive me, you should forgive her. Don't hate her."

Emppu sighed. "I don't hate her." 

Tuomas took his hand and smiled at him.

"Enough moping. Do you want your present?"

"I get a present?"

"Of course you get a present. It's Christmas! Everybody gets presents. I love presents!"

"What did you give to Anette?"

"Ah.. look." Tuomas pulled Emppu over for a better look at the fire. Anette was laughing at a small boy who had his arms wrapped around her neck.

Emppu raised a brow. "Well, when I accused you two for hiding something from me, I made a joke. So you better tell me now you have nothing to do with the existence of that child."

"Of course not, stupid. That is Anettes son from Sweden. I brought him and his grandmother here." He looked at Emppu. "Do you want your present or not?"

Emppu nodded.

"Alright."

Tuomas pulled a big envelope out of his jacket and gave it to Emppu. His eyes were sparkling. "Go on, open it!" Carefully Emppu opened it and pulled out a photo.

"I know you have it in your case. You folded and unfolded it so often, it feels like tissue. I thought you'd better have the real thing before it turns to dust so I called the newspaper and got the original. The guy totally thought I was shitting him." Tuomas laughed.

Emppu touched it almost reverently. "I take it out every day", he mumbled. "Do you know why?" He looked up at Tuomas who watched him with a bright smile. "It's the most happy moment of my life." Emppu hastily wiped his eyes. "Gosh, I am crying over a Christmas present."

Tuomas took the photo out of Emppus hands flipped it and gave it back to him. Quietly he read the lines at the backside. "Thank you. This means so much to me. I've wished for something like that since I've read your very first poems. It is truely beautiful. Thank you." Emppu felt the tears come back, he couldn't help himself.

Tuomas pulled him into his arms. "Shhh.. it's Christmas. No time for tears."

"They're happy tears. And it's your fault, you apparently made it yourself a task to make everybody cry today." 

Emppu sniffed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. Then he put the photo carefully back into the envelope and put it inside of his own jacket.

"But it's not all about giving as you know. It's about taking too."

Tuomas raised a brow and grinned. "What now, here?"

Emppu slapped his shoulder. Sometimes he believed he had created a monster. But he was going to be the last one to complain. He pulled a little box out of his pockets and turned it nervously in his hands. Then he simply handed it over. "I am not so good with words. Merry Christmas."

Tuomas took it and opened it. He stared a little while inside before he closed it again. He looked down at Emppu who had his heart in his boots. "Do you like it?"

"I.. yes it's beautiful." He paused and looked down at the box in his hands again, then back at Emppu. "Does.. what does it mean?"

Emppu swallowed. "Whatever you want it to mean. Everything or nothing. It doesn't matter. It won't change anything. I am yours all the same for now and for always." He pulled at the chain around his neck and showed the little pendant at it. 

Tuomas stared at it in a loss of words.

"Hey here you are, what are you doing?" Jukka suddenly said from behind. He put an arm around Tuomas shoulder and looked down at Emppu as well, in his hand an egg-nog. He wore a santas hat - thankfully on his head. The way Tuomas looked at it told Emppu that his thoughts were going down the same road.

"Are you going to defeat Sauron with that thing, Frodo?" Jukka pointed at the ring dangling from the chain around Emppus neck and snickered into his glass.

" _Jesus Christ, Jukka!!!_ " Marco approached them fastly and yanked Jukka off Tuomas' neck. He glanced awkwardly at the box in his hands with an almost tortured look. "Oh my god, I am so sorry." He grabbed Jukka at the collar to drag him behind. "Apparently someone didn't lock the cage."

He pulled the other man behind out of earshot and started to gesture hectically at him. Finally both stopped and looked over to Emppu and Tuomas who both still stood and just watched back at them. Tuomas still held the box. Marco straightened up, took the egg-nog out of Jukkas hand, gulped it down in a single go and waved casually at them. Then he gripped Jukkas arm again and walked away. The curse words he threw at him that were halfway understandable would have made a sailor blush.

Tuomas chuckled. "And, are you going to?"

Emppu looked back at Tuomas. "What?"

"Go on a straining, hope- and endless journey to keep the world from falling into eternal darkness?"

"You mean written by an linguistically obsessed daydreamer with a soft-spot for mythology, accompanied by an odd fellowship? Isn't it what we're doing since over a year anyhow?"

"Yes."

"You see." Emppu put the chain back.

"I mean: yes."

He opened the box again and gave it back to Emppu.

"Once again, please. Properly."

Emppu took it in a daze and didn't react. Tuomas poked his chest with a mischievous smile.

"Now. Properly."

Slowly Emppu sank into the snow on a knee in front of him. He wasn't prepared for a speech. In addition to that he was uncomfortably aware of the people around them who had stopped talking and were obviously watching them. Leave it to Tuomas to embarrass him in front of half of their hometown. He briefly regretted to have missed to attend the course 'how to woo a poet' and cleared his throat. Whatever. Properly then. He took a deep breath.

"I've loved you since the day I fell into your eyes and I've been lost since the day you fell into my arms." He turned and glared at their unwanted audience. "Unfortunately for all the world to see", he added but apparently he wasn't to intimidate anybody. His look fell at Marjatta Turunen who clinged to her glass of hot punch with a slightly sourly expression while her daughter grinned at Emppu like a madwoman. He turned back to Tuomas whose eyes were directed at him all alone.

"Tuo, it's always been you, your music, your smile, your heart. I've said I am yours anyway, but please, make this now the most happy moment of my life and say you'll be mine."

He took the ring out of the box, offered it to Tuomas and grinned.

"Because I want your stupid face to be the last thing I see when I fall asleep, and the first I see in the morning for the rest of my life."

Tuomas burst out in laughter and held out his hand.

"My stupid face?"

Emppu took his hand, carefully slid the ring on his finger and smiled up into these eyes that once had taken everything from him and were now giving so much more back in return. The most happy moment of his life, indeed.

"Your stupid everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are again.. the end. Not quite - there is an epilogue. But as far as this story goes.. the end.
> 
> Not the end of everything, though. I like these idiots way too much. I just need some serious brainstorming. I have a few things in mind, but don't feel shy, suggest your ideas in the comments :)


	13. Epilogue

"What are you sissies actually complaining about? This thing is a fucking space ship."

Zachary Hietala lounged in a seat of the Nightwish tourbus, a beer in his hand. Somehow it made the impression he was sitting on a throne. "Air condition, fridge.. hey, a bed with mattress for everyone! Now, that's what I call luxury."

Marco gave out bottles to Emmpu and Tuomas. "It's alright. But we're essentially living in this thing since 15 months. And it isn't over yet. It's a little straining."

"Straining, phhh.. remember, our first band car was a Ford Fiasco? Had no side window and a hole in the legroom of the passenger seat where you could accidentally lose a boot." Zachary thought for a while. "Actually, Peca did if I remember right. Whatever. We covered it with a prayer rug but people regulary trod through."

"Yeah", Marco said. "The longer distances were like a rallye from junkyard to junkyard." 

"May it rest in peace." Zachary declared. They both lifted their bottle, clinked, drank and burped heartily in stereo.

Tuomas shook his head and rolled his eyes. Emppu chuckled. Some things were obviously running in the family.

"And you have movies, videogames, mobiles.. we had nothing. Just us and a guitar for weeks. We knew how to entertain ourselves without this high tech foofaraw."

"What, practice fingerings?" Tuomas asked dryly and sipped at his bottle. 

Emppu snorted the beer in his mouth through his nose and got a coughing attack.

Marco and Zachary stared at Tuomas. Then they roared both with laugther and Zachary clapped Tuomas' back with such a force, he almost toppled over.

"I like him", Zachary said to Marco. "What happened to the stick he used to have up his ass?"

"Oh my God", Emppu croaked out as he recognized the glint in Tuomas' eyes. He coughed again.

"Hey, look out, the puppy can't breath."

Emppu threw Zachary a death glare, still coughing and unable to talk.

"This puppy puts you on your back in less than five seconds." Tuomas warned Zachary. His mouth twitched dangerously. "I can testify to that."

Emppu raised his hand warningly at him and Tuomas looked briefly down and smiled.

"Actually we all can, he put on quite a show in Tel Aviv."

Emppu coughed the last remains of beer out of his respiratory tract and took a deep relieved breath.

"About the stick - ", Tuomas added, "I replaced it."

 

* * *

 

After the third beer and another epic reminder of his lungs that they weren't made for the processing of liquids Emppu had zoned out. There was only so much of the combined force of the Hietala-brothers someone could take. Instead he watched Tuomas who hung in a seat opposite to him, one leg at the backrest. He tried to direct a ray of sunlight with the bottom of his bottle at Marcos face with a concentrated expression, his lower lip between his teeth. 

 _".. and we had to walk to most of our gigs",_ Zachary now said.

Tuomas looked up as he felt Emppus gaze and smiled at him.

 _"20 miles",_ Marco pointed out.

 _"Through the snow",_ Zachary went on.

Emppu smiled back.

 _"At night",_ Marco attested. He studied his non-attentive bandmates with squeezed eyes.

 _"And the instruments back then were something else, real quality-work",_ Zachary recounted.

Tuomas pulled a little crumpled post-it out of his pockets, pointed at Emppu and flicked it over the table.

 _"Carved them ourselves",_ Marco said and waved his hand in front of Emppus face.

 _"From stone",_ Zacharys sock added. He had pulled it over his right hand.

Emppu smoothed the post-it carefully, smiled again and stuck it at his forehead.

 _"With our bare hands",_ Marco concluded with an hilarious grimace, his eyes crossed.

"I know," Emppu mumbled. "I know."

Zacharys sock burped.


End file.
